Tuesday, February 2, 2010
On men...and mammograms
I have to have a mammogram today. Nothing serious thank goodness, just the last in a series of checkups for a lump that looks routine.
But it got me thinking about who invented these mongrel machines and how it came about. And of course, having looked it up on Wikipedia the knowledge guru, they were men - Patrick and Jack. They sound like innocuous but manly names, like they would own hands that know how to caress, stimulate and tweak the more tender parts of a woman's anatomy.
SO WHAT THE HELL??!!!
How did they come up with the idea that a woman should stand there, half-naked, and have her tit squeezed until it becomes as thin as a home brand Belgian waffle that you buy in bulk from Coles? Had they ever wondered to themselves how it might feel to have their testicles put through a laundry mangle? Did they ever consider placing their nuts gently on a board, being blindfolded and then having someone smash them with a mallet while they made polite conversation about the amount of rain we have been having - and waited for an answer? Now, just relax, it will only hurt for a second (mwahhahaha).
Or here's an idea - did they ask their wives?
Did they ask their wives if they preferred that all mammogram operators be 20 something year old females, with perky breasts that have never been mammo'ed? Did they ask if it would be a good idea if said perkies had repertoire of inane questions that they pull out when you are at your pancake flattest, in the belief that by involving you in mundane conversations you will retain your dignity and somehow misplace the fact you are half naked, deoderant-less, in agony, and $375 poorer?
I don't care about the freakin' rain love, or whether or not the price of cheese has gone up - all my focus is on trying to stop my teeth clamping together as the skin on my face is gradually pulled down towards my belly button, and hoping that my mental will alone will stop my nipple popping off and splatting you in the eye. Yes, bimbo, put your safety goggles on...mama's coming ta get ya. Christ...it's going blue...holy mother of God...
Stupid Patrick and Jack.
Please someone, invent mammograms for men.