Monday, November 30, 2009

Mother nature

Dear Mother Nature,

I am sure you are very lovely, really, I am - after all everyone talks about you so very much. But not me. I have some bones to pick with you. Here are just a few.

Firstly, what is it with insects? Why did you design people to be scared of spiders, but spiders and other bugs to be deeply bothered by rain? Bothered enough that they have to come running into my house at the first sign of a tiny, shimmering drop? Why do black, furry, shiny and crunchy insects alike all enjoy my house and my food so much? Surely you could have saved all that bother and time and just made them people.

Speaking of the weather - you really should be a bit more organised. Most females would provide a little more structure - rain should start after 6 pm so that the washing can be got off the line in time. Hail and other life-stalling phenomenon (floods, tempests, hordes of locusts) should be rostered for Saturday morning - preferably just before women all around the world are going to start the housework, or even just before dinner would suffice - and, while I think about it, roster them again on Monday mornings making a lovely late start to work justifiable.

On a good note, designing cats to be self-cleaning and lick their own fur was a stroke of genius, but I am a bit worried that instead of designing them to digest it, you engineered them to vomit it back up on the most expensive rug they can find. Stomach acid doesn't go well with carpet. It makes me doubt your credentials a little.

But what about kids? Before you designed them did you bother to ask any mother of teenagers if they would prefer being pregnant for two years if it meant that their progeny left home and were independent at oh, let's say, 13? Especially if they could catch their own groceries and eat raw food? It was good enough for elephants. I'd swap - you should have asked me and I'm pissed that you didn't.

And men. What's doing there? Why did you design men so that they feel an urge to defecate every time there is work to be done? And for that matter, couldn't you have designed their poo tube to close properly when they were finished using it? And why did you design this trait to start so young? While I'm at it why couldn't you have designed them to find their own bloody socks? What's going on - are you really a woman? I can't believe another woman would do anything so cruel.

And, while we are on the subject, what about women? You didn't even get that right. What's all this crap about having to nurture, motherly instinct, caring, sharing and compassion, blah, blah blah? Surely we would have been better off to be more man-like (but not the poo-tube defect), detached with a deep inability to respond to anyone's needs other than our own? Life would be more emotionally efficient that way. We could all just get on with it. And for God's sake, why didn't you design fat to be deposited on boobs, not hips - and while I am on the subject of bodies, what's with the hair thing?

So, there you have it. There's something a bit suspicious going on here. I'd like to see your credentials and I demand that you pull up your socks (and, just an aside, if you can't find them I seriously suggest that you consider a name change - you may have fooled most, but you haven't fooled me for a second).

Yours disrespectfully,


No comments:

Post a Comment